Loud, talented, abrupt, jack of all, bulldozer, friend, opinionated, full of joy, greedy, caring, sharp, loving, strong-willed, mother, ask too many questions, wife, fighter, daughter, hardheaded, doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut, smart, Pastor, and believe me there are many more. All are adjectives that have described me either by being told to my face or that I heard through the grapevine. Some lifted me up and some were said to cut me down, through the years I have always been proud to say THIS IS ME, take me or leave me!
For some, I am too strong and can come across as rude and abrupt, but yet for others, they see my strength as my confidence in the Lord. See because just as those adjectives have been used by my fellow man my Heavenly Father has used Blessed, Anointed, Called, Daughter Of The Most High, Priceless, Masterpiece, Chosen, Redeemed, Righteous, Justified, Heir With Christ, New Creation, Holy, Blameless, His Workmanship, Citizen of Heaven, Forgiven, Free, Spotless, Worthy, Loved, Spirit-Filled and above all, He calls me His. He thinks I am to die for and if you have ever talked to me you will know I am never short to bring Jesus into our conversation, even if it’s only asking “Lord help me father, give me strength.” I have always been confident in myself and what He was doing in me. I have never doubted myself and very rarely apologize for how God made me, unless He told me to. However, when God asked us to step out of our church of over a decade it shook me. I didn’t know why He was asking because this was a place we called home. This was a place He had put us at all those many years ago.
That one decision to follow God shook me to my core, I knew He was taking us to new levels and asking us to GROW and to STRETCH. But somehow to be honest this last year I lost out on those names He called me. I have second-guessed myself and questioned, “What the Heck am I doing,” as I was so unsure why He was asking us to leave. We have had lots of intense fellowship of me telling myself “Holly do not lean to your own understanding, Lord I trust you but what’s the plan?” He answered with silence, Yes there were times where He would speak and give me signs letting me know I was on the right path, but somehow I let my foundation be shaken. No longer was the confident Child of God standing in front of the mirror. What looked back was a scared woman who had no clue for the first time in Her adult life of what God was asking her to do. Hours have been spent asking the Lord are you asking us to start a church, what about being Associate Pastors, Evangelists, Children’s Ministry Evangelists? Lord what are you asking and still to this day we aren’t fully sure. But see being this unsure of what He was asking us to do shook me more than I realized. I am a woman that whatever God asks me to do I will do it. But this shaking, the devil used to his advantage because no longer was I marching to the beat of my own drum, heck I have barely been marching. I realized this about a week ago.
Over a month ago I was called one of those adjectives at the top and it hit my heart in a way over the years that only one person could do and then I unintentionally hurt this person while trying to do the right thing and when they responded with anger it stirred up all those wrongdoings that I thought I had forgiven them for. To be honest I allowed this person to define me, to steal my joy, and cause me hours of tears. It brought up years of pain that I thought was forgiven and I kept asking myself what more do I have to do to make this person happy. Truly in all honesty I even used a Proper Noun of the place they could kiss! 😳 (Yes, I Repented) As I cried out to one of my oldest sisters for over an hour for the second time, out of her mouth came words of wisdom that I already knew but in this last year, I lost. “What don’t you understand it’s not you, it’s them!” At that moment something clicked, a switch was flipped (of course the Holy Spirit) asking me why are you letting them have this much control over you, You will never measure up to their standards and why does it matter. “Who do I(GOD) say you are?” and immediately the frustration, hurt, and anger were released. No longer did this person have this control over me. FREE PEOPLE, FREE PEOPLE it wasn’t on my shoulders to fix this person or to make myself be enough for them, because see God already said I was enough and that is all that matters. He has already said that not with my own strength but through Jesus Christ that I absolutely, positively, measure up. What others say about you or me means absolutely NOTHING. God is our father and we all fall short and if we take time to listen He will guide us to make the changes He wants us to. Because as some call me LOUD, He has given me that voice to spread His good news. It didn’t surprise Him that I am loud, He wasn’t up there when I was born saying “Oh goodness she has some lungs, how am I supposed to use her?” NO, He said, “That’s my girl, get ready I have plans for you, mighty plans!” So I guess what I’m telling you by sharing this Race of Mine is that You are loved and You are not too much for God! He is sending a flood of His love to drown out those naysayers as He calls you His child! As He wraps His arms around you and calls you His daughter or son! You are His glorious masterpiece and so am I.
Today I watched a video of me using that LOUD, CONTAGIOUS, EXCITED, CONFIDENT voice that He gave me. It was recorded over a year ago as we had first entered the Covid lockdown to teach His chosen generation that they are prayer warriors. As I watched I had the revelation and it truly shocked me because up until that specific time that wasn’t me anymore, I didn’t have that confidence that I had over a year ago. This last year had stolen that woman, the devil had slowly piece by piece removed the confidence that she taught with. As that video ended OH WOW!!, did God do a total restoration, a complete overhaul as I realized I’m not scared anymore because see I WAS MADE FOR THIS. I was made for such a time as this! He created me and has given me everything I need for the calling He has placed on me whether that is to be a stay-at-home mom and to teach my young men of God or to spread His Good News to an auditorium of thousands. It doesn’t matter when, where, or even what He has called me to. I’m not going to mess it up or even miss it, because I may have a big mouth but I also have ears to hear His voice. The Holy Spirit leads, guides, and directs me on a daily basis, heck sometimes it’s a minute-by-minute basis! But I can confidently type that I am forgiven, free, spotless, chosen, and it definitely isn’t anything I have done it’s all because God loves me and sent His only son Jesus to die for my Uh-Oh’s. Because see He knew that I was going to be a lot for others to swallow and that they may use strong adjectives to describe me, but on top of all that He loved me anyway! So as I look in the mirror tonight I smile, because see that person looking back at me I can say “THIS IS ME!!”
Thank you, Lord, for restoring me and for giving me a big sister that would speak life into me at the exact moment I needed it. That her voice was strong enough to pierce through the hurt and anger to my innermost and break the chains that the devil was trying to place on my life. Lord I also want to thank you for each person reading this today I pray that as they read the words on this page they know God has also created them, that He has called them for greatness. What others may think is obnoxious or irritating, He is going to use! You don’t think as we do and so what others may deem unusable, You put on the front line! I love you Lord with all my heart and I thank you for everything you doing through me!